Iowa is not a word many folks associate with perfection (unless, of course, you’re me and think everything about the damn state is pretty spot on with being mistaken for heaven as Kevin Costner so kindly did in his 1989 movie).
However, perfection touched the state I hold so dear to my heart in a way that before 2015 was unimaginable. My Iowa Hawkeyes had a perfect – yes I said perfect – regular college football season. The Hawks are typically mediocre (but full of heart!), and us fans were just hoping for a winning season to get to a bowl game. So you can imagine our surprise when our team kept winning game after game after game….after game (and we kept doing shot after shot after shot…).
Our livers love us.
Our perfect record granted the Hawks a slot in the Big Ten Championship game held in Indianapolis, so you bet your ass our classy clan was there. It was going to be an especially fun game, as my buddy The Silent Indian is a Michigan State Spartan fan – the team Iowa was up against.
An unbiased Camo, The Silent Spartan Indian, Dada CBXB and some drunk Iowa cheerleader.
Because I’m psycho (and also an asshole), I made our foursome leave Nashville at 3:30 am so our arrival to Indianapolis would be in conjunction with my Saturday morning staple College Game Day – who was finally broadcasting live from an Iowa game.
Running to secure a spot. The only exercise my body received all fall.
Sunglasses hide early morning sins.
One of my favorite things about College Game Day are the signs fans make in hopes of making it to the broadcast. And these fans didn’t disappoint.
The Silent Indian left speechless.
Truth
Even Tay knows a thing or two about the lack of respect given to the Hawks.
The Silent Indian and yours truly snuck our way up into the fourth row, so I could get a better look at my 81-year-old commentator boyfriend, Lee Corso.
A Hawkeye and a Spartan – friends…for now.
We also became famous for .00001 second during the broadcast.
Blink and you missed it.
After standing for four solid hours in freezing temps (I’d still be standing there if I could be), we headed into warm up next door with my boyfriend Captain Morgan at a party sponsored by my favorite rum.
My boyfriend, his girlfriend and me.
We had no fun.
After the Captain shenanigans, it was time to take our seats and watch one helluva heartbreaker as Iowa lost in the last seconds of the game.
A fabulous view of a tough loss.
The Gloating Indian. Yes, we let him stay and watch the Spartans get their trophy. Sometimes I have a heart.
Aren’t you glad this wasn’t your four-hour ride home with a sore loser?
No explanation needed.
So Iowa loses one game post season but do you know where that got us in the line-up of bowl games?
For the first time in 25 years, the Iowa Hawkeyes were going to grace Pasadena, CA with their presence at The Rose Bowl against the Stanford Cardinals.
HELL YEAH BABY!
And while the richer Iowa fans with jobs swarmed the fuck out of California, my unemployed ass hosted a game watch at the mini manse on New Year’s Day.
Who needs Cali when I had a green carpet for a step and repeat?
Booze at the ready.
Tailgating treats galore.
Mascots in their best giddy up.
Front row seats acquired.
There was just one teeny, weeny tiny problem. My Iowa Hawkeyes apparently left all of their motivation in 2015. It was 21-0 before the end of the first quarter and we were left with empty shot glasses in our hands. So we did the next best thing.
A sympathy shot.
And then there was sympathy shot number three.
Thank God someone was keeping track.
Followed by sympathy shots four and five…
Jazz hands for the number of shot taking!
After a very dismal final score of Stanford 45, Iowa 16, I laid down on the green carpet for a well deserved tantrum.
I wanted to win dammit!
Dada CBXB tried to join me but found the ground was too far for him to reach, therefore conducted his tantrum on all fours.
Losing at its finest.
While the post season games for my Hawkeyes didn’t come out with wins, I couldn’t be more proud of the team, my favorite coach on the planet, Kirk Ferentz, and the fans who are tried and true season after season. For all of the haters who are going to lecture me on our lack of a tough schedule, mediocre players and how the Big Ten Conference is weak, you can go fuck yourselves. I love the fact that most of the Hawkeyes are from the Midwest, many walking on from small Iowa towns (although I also love the fact our quarterback is from Nashville!), going on to become great college football players and going on to play in the NFL. I love the fact that Coach Ferentz will make a stand out player miss an entire quarter of an important game because he was late to practice (please don’t do that again Desmond King – you’re my favorite player and THANK YOU for coming back for your senior year!). And I love that there typically no more than a total of eight four star prospects on the entire roster, making us always seem like somewhat of a Cinderella team.
Thank you to the Iowa Hawkeye football team for putting some much needed pep in my 2015 step. Your two biggest fans can’t wait until September!
We’re still your number one fans.
Until then, we’ll be drinking moonshine shots every time the Iowa Hawkeye basketball team sinks a bucket to keep our livers in tact for next football season.
Just kidding!
Or am I…?
Cheers!
Cowboys and Crossbones 