Being known as the ‘fun one’ just might be the death of me.
All laughs and games until you can’t feel your crotch.
While I was visiting my Miami Mini Me and her fam over the Fourth of July, we took their boat out and about. What I thought was going to be an afternoon full of watching the kids with water toys, instead turned into yours truly being a full participant.
Coaxed by cute faces (and a little begging) and with the gracefulness of an elephant, I hoisted myself up onto the Aquaglide (which does anything but glide) while blind as a bat without my prescription sunglasses.
All a blur of smiles from my point-of-view.
I plopped my ample derriere in between MMM and her brother, (my ex-Mini Boyfriend as he used to be in love with me but has grown up *sigh* and is into peeps his own age. How appropriate).
If I hold my hands up like this, will they act as a spoiler for the float?
As we started at the slowest rate possible, I was thinking this ride wouldn’t be so bad after all.
That all you got Driver?
Settling in, thinking this was smooth sailing, I heard my MMM shout “FASTER! FASTER! FASTER!”
Wait, seriously? You want to go faster? SHUT UP!
Being that my ass is the size of the Grand Canyon, I was able to hunker down, keeping us on the water.
Me and my mad ass skills.
But then came the water to the face. More specifically, to the eyes not protected by my prescription sunnies.
EYE INFECTION ALERT!
As you can see, the beautiful lake water is the color of fluorescent moss and slightly stung when hitting my eyeballs. I couldn’t remove my arms that were strategically placed around each kid, therefore unable to shield my face (more importantly mouth) from the lake liquid.
The water tastes as good as it looks.
After being further blinded by the lake as it crept into my eyes and unable to take deep breaths due my soggy lungs, we started to lean. Not wanting the Aquaglide to win, I hung on for dear life. That is, until I realized my ex-MB was underneath my rear end and I feared smothering him to death.
Look closely for the tiny feet under my not-so-tiny hiney.
Bracing myself to do a water cartwheel, while not knocking either kid in the noggin.
Inevitable capsize.
The first thing I did after gulping down even more of the lake like it was a gigantic Skinny Pirate, I looked around for both kids, immediately realizing it didn’t matter because I can’t see a damn thing without my glasses on. Then I thankfully felt MMM grab my shoulder and she assured me that my ex-MB was near the boat being picked up.
Phew.
As I was wondering how I could possibly climb the ladder up to the boat due to the lack of feeling below my waist, MMM oh-so-sweetly asked me to ride with her again.
Oh sure, I’m fun! Let’s do it again. KILL ME NOW.
And away we went….
Fuuuuuuuuuuck.
Thankfully most of the bruising has faded away from my backside. And more thankfully, my folks already have grandkids, as I’m not sure anything will ever be the same below my belly button.
But at least I’m known as the ‘fun one’.
CBXB
Cowboys and Crossbones 